O Dog, Where Arf Thou?

“Hey you know what?” asks this dog....

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 20:11:18 -0400

“Hey you know what?” asks this dog. “What?” I reply. “What’s this show called?” “It’s Game of Thrones.” “Yeah, ok,” says this dog. “GAME OF THRONES REMINDS ME OF TWITTER BECAUSE THERE ARE 140 CHARACTERS AND TERRIBLE THINGS ARE ALWAYS HAPPENING!!!” I stare at this dog. “Did you think of that?” “Uh huh,” answers this dog, falling asleep.

This dog is doing some pretty shady under the table dealings....

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 19:33:34 -0500

This dog is doing some pretty shady under the table dealings. “Ahh,” he says. “I see you’ve finally decided to descend to my level. So the master becomes the student.” “Nope,” I reply. “I’m still the master here.” “Hey,” he says. “I have to go to the bathroom!” I go to get his leash. Never did find out what he was up to under that table…

This dog is on a walk. “Uh, we have a problem here,...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 20:37:13 -0500

This dog is on a walk. “Uh, we have a problem here, Walker. My bathroom bush seems to be blocked by this pile of cold. Clear a path if you please!” “Are you high?” I ask. “You can pee anywhere. Pee anywhere!” I immediately realize my mistake as I quickly back away.

“I made your bed for you!” yells this dog....

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:17:25 -0500

“I made your bed for you!” yells this dog. “Uhhhhh,” I say, looking at the disheveled mess. “I can’t reach it though!” he says. “I’m a little dog!” I shrug. “Thanks bud.”

“Notice anything different?” asks this...

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 21:49:40 -0500

“Notice anything different?” asks this dog.

“Nope,” I reply. “What’s up?”

“About me, I mean,” says this dog. “Do you notice anything different about me?”

“Did you grow a mustache?” I ask.

“NO” yells this dog. “AAAAAH NO LOOK CLOSELY, COME ON!”

“Sorry, I’m not seeing it.”

“I’M SITTING ON A NEW RUG!!! YOU NEVER NOTICE ANYTHING!!!”

“Are you going to poop in shoes over this?”

“…yes. Yes, I will do that…since I didn’t already…at all.”

“Where have you been this whole time?” I ask this...

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 21:23:54 -0500

“Where have you been this whole time?” I ask this dog. “In this basket,” he replies. “Why have you been in that basket?” “Can you fit in this basket?” asks this dog. “No,” I say. “I can’t.” “Well,” says this dog. “Kind of pointless to explain then.” “Then why do you look so sad?” I ask. “Because,” says this dog. “I have to get out of this basket.”

“What are you doing?” I ask this dog....

Mon, 22 Oct 2012 16:33:09 -0400

“What are you doing?” I ask this dog. “I’m learning how to do impressions!” he says. “Oh yeah? What kind of impressions?” “Do you like impressions? I’m gonna do one!” “Maybe,” I say. “What kind of impressions?” “Good ones!” he says. “Watch this.” “…what’s that?” I ask. “I’m James Franco!” “That’s…actually that’s pretty good.”

I’m outside eating an ice cream cone and this dog...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 18:30:16 -0400

I’m outside eating an ice cream cone and this dog won’t stop staring at me.

“Can I have that?” he asks. “It looks like food!” I shake my head. “No,” I say. “This isn’t for dogs. This is a people food.”

“What if I paid you?” asks this dog. “I’ll give you a hundred barks!” I smile. “First off, it’s not ‘barks,’ it’s ‘bu—” “BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK—” “I said it’s ‘bu—” “BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK—” “I SAID IT’S NOT ‘BARKS’ IT’S ‘BU—” “SHUT UP AND LET ME PAY YOU!!!”

“Why are you sticking out your tongue at me like...

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 18:55:05 -0400

“Why are you sticking out your tongue at me like that?” I ask this dog. He briefly puts his tongue back in his mouth to answer: “I’m practicing for when I go to the doctor!” “Dog,” I say. “You’re a dog. You don’t go to the doctor. You go to the vet.” “THE VET?!” yells this dog. “I HATE THAT GUY!”

This dog decided to apply for a job with the TSA....

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 17:52:47 -0400

This dog decided to apply for a job with the TSA. “I’m pretty good at looking through luggage and stuff,” he says. “Check this out.”

“Are you serious?” asks this dog. “I’m...

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 18:21:51 -0400

“Are you serious?” asks this dog. “I’m not getting on that, don’t be ridiculous. I’m comfortable. You weigh things. I’m relaxing.”

“We should check to see how much you weigh, buddy.”

“How about we check to see how much that isn’t going to happen BIG HINT COMING: it’s a lot.”

“I’ll pick you up then.”

“Pick me up and you’ll be picking something else up too!”

“Okay, you weigh a billion pounds.”

“That’s good, right?”

“What are you doing down there?” I ask this dog,...

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 10:55:44 -0400

“What are you doing down there?” I ask this dog, noticing him sitting on the floor and staring. “I’m learning hypnotism!” he replies, not blinking. “Who are you trying to hypnotise?” I ask, sitting down in front of him. “Um,” he says. “Anyone who sits in front of me, I guess.” “Are you hypnotising me right now?” I ask, gazing into his eyes. “You tell me,” he responds. I realize I’ve been feeding him dog treats for the past half hour.

“Damn it.”

I find this dog outside sitting on the diving board. “What...

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 11:28:23 -0400

I find this dog outside sitting on the diving board. “What are you doing on there?” I ask him. “I’m practicing for the Doglympics! It’s like the Olympics but for dogs. That’s why it’s called the Doglympics. Sorry but you can’t join because you’re not a dog, no offense,” he says.

“That’s ok,” I reply. “Shouldn’t you be facing the other way if you’re going to be diving?” “WHAT?! And get wet? Ha ha no thanks.”

This dog demands his meals meet the highest of standards....

Sat, 21 Jul 2012 08:47:49 -0400

This dog demands his meals meet the highest of standards. “What kind of food is this?” he asks. “Dog food,” I reply. “Good, good,” he says. “And the water?” “Tap.” This dog laps up some water. “Excellent year,” he says. “Let me know if you need anything,” I say, leaving him to his meal. “I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A NICE TIP,” he yells from the other room. “YOU SHOULD PET MY HEAD!”

“Hey,” says this dog. “Does this smell like...

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 12:03:27 -0400

“Hey,” says this dog. “Does this smell like Fritos to you?” He sniffs at his paw. “Whoa, it does!” I reply. “Does it taste like Fritos?” he asks. “I’m not tasting your paw, dog.” “Oh that’s okay I don’t know what Fritos taste like anyway…can I have some Fritos?” “Sorry, no.” “Aww, back to the paw then.”

“Can you clean up in here, please?” I ask this dog....

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 18:58:06 -0400

“Can you clean up in here, please?” I ask this dog. “I’m on it!” he yells. “That’s not exactly what I mea—” “CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO DOGLINESS!!!” yells this dog while spinning in lazy circles.

“Why haven’t you been updating my face on your...

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 20:49:06 -0400

“Why haven’t you been updating my face on your computer?” asks this dog. “On vacation,” I reply. “Sorry for the delay.” This dog shakes his head and stares. “Vacation?!” he exclaims. “How DARE you?!” He sticks his tongue out a little. “What’s a vacation?”

Stopping to smell the flowers, this dog declares the practice...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 19:17:34 -0400

Stopping to smell the flowers, this dog declares the practice worth the trouble. “I have a lot of things to smell today,” he says. “These were an okay choice! Two more minutes.”

After rigorous testing, this dog’s thesis is unsupported....

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 06:47:18 -0400

After rigorous testing, this dog’s thesis is unsupported. “I assumed my bite would be worse than this bark,” he says. “I was proven incorrect. Now to barf and eat that barf.”

Here we see this dog commenting on the sad state of parks....

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 07:21:43 -0400

Here we see this dog commenting on the sad state of parks. “See that empty swing?” he says. “It represents a kid who’s not having fun in a metaphor or something. Too many video games or not enough taxes, I dunno. I’m a dog. You guys wanna run around?”