This dog decided to apply for a job with the TSA. “I’m pretty good at looking through luggage and stuff,” he says. “Check this out.”
“Are you serious?” asks this dog. “I’m not getting on that, don’t be ridiculous. I’m comfortable. You weigh things. I’m relaxing.”
“We should check to see how much you weigh, buddy.”
“How about we check to see how much that isn’t going to happen BIG HINT COMING: it’s a lot.”
“I’ll pick you up then.”
“Pick me up and you’ll be picking something else up too!”
“Okay, you weigh a billion pounds.”
“That’s good, right?”
“What are you doing down there?” I ask this dog, noticing him sitting on the floor and staring. “I’m learning hypnotism!” he replies, not blinking. “Who are you trying to hypnotise?” I ask, sitting down in front of him. “Um,” he says. “Anyone who sits in front of me, I guess.” “Are you hypnotising me right now?” I ask, gazing into his eyes. “You tell me,” he responds. I realize I’ve been feeding him dog treats for the past half hour.
“Damn it.”
I find this dog outside sitting on the diving board. “What are you doing on there?” I ask him. “I’m practicing for the Doglympics! It’s like the Olympics but for dogs. That’s why it’s called the Doglympics. Sorry but you can’t join because you’re not a dog, no offense,” he says.
“That’s ok,” I reply. “Shouldn’t you be facing the other way if you’re going to be diving?” “WHAT?! And get wet? Ha ha no thanks.”
This dog demands his meals meet the highest of standards. “What kind of food is this?” he asks. “Dog food,” I reply. “Good, good,” he says. “And the water?” “Tap.” This dog laps up some water. “Excellent year,” he says. “Let me know if you need anything,” I say, leaving him to his meal. “I’M GONNA GIVE YOU A NICE TIP,” he yells from the other room. “YOU SHOULD PET MY HEAD!”
“Hey,” says this dog. “Does this smell like Fritos to you?” He sniffs at his paw. “Whoa, it does!” I reply. “Does it taste like Fritos?” he asks. “I’m not tasting your paw, dog.” “Oh that’s okay I don’t know what Fritos taste like anyway…can I have some Fritos?” “Sorry, no.” “Aww, back to the paw then.”
“Can you clean up in here, please?” I ask this dog. “I’m on it!” he yells. “That’s not exactly what I mea—” “CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO DOGLINESS!!!” yells this dog while spinning in lazy circles.
“Why haven’t you been updating my face on your computer?” asks this dog. “On vacation,” I reply. “Sorry for the delay.” This dog shakes his head and stares. “Vacation?!” he exclaims. “How DARE you?!” He sticks his tongue out a little. “What’s a vacation?”
Stopping to smell the flowers, this dog declares the practice worth the trouble. “I have a lot of things to smell today,” he says. “These were an okay choice! Two more minutes.”
After rigorous testing, this dog’s thesis is unsupported. “I assumed my bite would be worse than this bark,” he says. “I was proven incorrect. Now to barf and eat that barf.”
